Friday, 3 July 2009

"I thought therapy is meant to make you feel better?"

And as we all know, the answer to that one is: "Yes it does - eventually." But in the midst of it all, "eventually" looks to be a very long way away. As the layers of self deception are peeled back and you look at the mess beneath, it looks horribly like nothing is visible, save your own long concealed dysfunction. That doesn't feel terribly great. Actually it feels beastly, horrible and very crappy indeed. And part of you wonders: "Is it worth all this? Wasn't it more bearable with all the unhealthy props and anaesthetics you used until recently?" And I suppose it was. BUT that numbed, zonked out life wasn't real and this is. That's cold comfort when you feel sick and low. Two little things helped: one is passing a taxi with an advert from the Depression Alliance and seeing the slogan "Looking Good, Feeling Crap" and remembering that there are a lot of others who know that experience only too well. You are not alone. And the second? The guy sitting head down in the door way with a can of Carlsberg Special. Know how you feel, pal and I could be you. But I'm not going there. No way. I am more precious even to me than that. So we'll keep walking on, through the wind and the rain (and it was lashing down). And we'll never walk alone. Amazing how potent cheap music really is!


  1. Been there. Don't lose hope. There is light and life beyond this struggle. Don't ever give up.

  2. Hi John

    I spotted the wee notice in the Edge about you being off on sick leave. I'm so very sorry to read all that's been going on for you and just wanted to let you know that you're in my thoughts and prayers. I worry that anything I say will sound platitudinous, but I admire your courage and appreciate you sharing what you have on your blog.

  3. Oh, not giving up,and actually there are good bits too. Today just wasn't the best.