Into the breach.

I finally screwed up my courage to the sticking point and dragged myself along to the drop in centre for those who have or might have Asperger's Syndrome. It's very scary when you are faced with the possibility of discovering something about yourself that could potentially define the rest of your life (for good as well as bad): you procrastinate terrifyingly. It's as if the possible freedom and liberation of knowing it's not you being weird or mad but it's genuinely just the way you neurobiologically are is overshadowed by the possible stigma that comes with a diagnosis. If I do have this condition will people look at me differently or relate to me differently? What will my friends/family think? We're back in the realms of coming out to yourself territory then to others. And do I have the emotional energy to go through all this sort of stuff again? At least at this mature stage of my life I know I can go through this process and emerge at the other end alive, if changed. Doesn't make it one whit easier.

I really was up to high d'oh beforehand: I nearly bought some baccy (undo a week off the weed)but realised it wasn't a nicotine fix that I needed (had that) but something to do with my hands to relieve stress. I wouldn't say I exactly prayed the Rosary I borrowed en route, but jiggling the beads seemed to help. The worker was very helpful and said "Needs looking into: talk to your GP". So must get in contact and start the ball rolling And I've said this for the last 2 months! The difference is he pointed out that if I have AS, it might affect the way my psychoanalysis is done, so now I have a practical incentive to make the move and that always helps. Strangely I am less paralysed by my emotional turmoil now that I think there might be a factual explanation for it. It always was the sense that because I felt the way others didn't in a given situation I was odd and freaky that paralysed my actions. I worry that I'm in danger of using a condition that I might (or might not) have as a crutch or prop or excuse to avoid doing anything and taking control of (and responsibility for) my life, so I think I have to take action and fairly quickly. Why is my life so blooming tricky?