Somewhere over the rainbow..dreams really do come true" - damn!

Just say no

to the Fourth Rome

My little brain is gradually turning very anti some of the things I once held very dear. In my madly Anglo-Papalist yoof, I very much thought the Anglican Communion was the 3rd branch of the Catholic Tree (in order of seniority: Constantinople, Rome, Cantuar - Moscow was run by the Bolsheviks and should be ignored, lest they be puppets of Stalin) and I rather thought we Anglicans ought to see he who sat in the throne of St Augustine as a Patriarch who spoke for us all and we ought to be organised as the Fourth Rome. Which just goes to show you should be careful what you wish for, because it might just come true! I'd rather we took much more seriously the Autocephalous model of orthodoxy than the centralising, curial tack of Rome these days.

It feels odd to re-examine and re-evaluate yourself. Like therapy makes you do. Just now I'm mulling over my dis-ease with women. I was not a fan of women's ordination lang syne and I used to say it was all to do with theology. OK, I 'fess up now - it wasn't. I was scared stiff (or other things beginning with 'S' which they don't say on Sesame Street) of women having authority over me. Why? Because my deep seated experience of women being in power over me was connected with uncontrolled emotions and emotional vulnerability in the face of this. But I wasn't going to say that out loud: not a good theological argument. And it meant acknowledging I was terribly muddled and hurting emotionally. No way I was going to do that. (Of course, I thought that it wasn't glaringly obvious to the rest of the world that this was what was going on inside my head: something tells me that really wasn't the case).

To all my female friends to whom I was hurtful or distant or just plain nasty to, as well as those women who weren't friends but to who I was a royal pain anyway, I'd like to say sorry. I really was a messed up puppy, only half aware of what he was doing or why he was doing it. If I hurt anyone through my attitudes or words, I am truly sorry. I suspect I couldn't help it at the time and wish I could take it all back. But I can't, so I'll apologise and move on and try to do better.

So now I am looking again at the way I relate to the world emotionally. What was that all about? Was that really what I feel or want? Sod it, every certainty may be under observation and need to be examined!!