Perhaps the stress of working things through in the last few days meant that this was always likely to happen, but today really has felt like being back in a particularly dark bit of my own personal hole. Simply put, a sense of paralysis and fear has seized hold again and I really thought I had got past this bit. I did push out to do my volunteering bit and came back again but this has not been a spectacularly good day. But these days do pass. That said, I got back to find two letters of support/good wishes which I hadn't expected and it struck me (again) that you get what grace you need, when you need it. Often it is just enough grace and sometimes only just enough. So just thanks be to God that tonight is a group meeting and I can go and be encouraged and draw strength from their strength.
Actually, I suppose that is the nature of Church really. When we gather to be the body of Christ it is sometimes the strength of the body as a whole which bears the weakest member. Learning to live with that when you have been seen (and seen yourself) for so long as one of the bearers, rather than as one of the borne is terribly difficult. Learning to accept frailty rather than bluff your way through, acting as usual is horrid and right now to be quite frank I really could go a smoke for the 1st time in weeks. Actually, its been a couple of days since I even had any of the nicotine gum, so it is definitely time to chew a nicorette thing and maybe let a little of the angst react with some chemicals!